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feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist