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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.