Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!