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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"