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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I always advise people never to give advice.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".