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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone