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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.