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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Imagine coming home from a long vacation and finding your bathroom towels are wet from just being used. I can do that to your ex if you want.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science