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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.