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Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...