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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.