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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(