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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.