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So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.