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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!