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Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.