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Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
This headache feels like dumb people
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug