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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Deaf people don`t have safe words, they use stop signs.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.