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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.