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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."