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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
This ramen noodle and vienna sausage dinner taste exactly like I made the wrong career choice :(
I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors. :(
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.