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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.