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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...