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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.