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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.