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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Well it`s about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?