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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.