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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I just ran a .003048K
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!