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I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!