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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"