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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.