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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.