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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.
Some people should come with subtitles.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"