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Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.