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I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"