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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.