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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
"You only live once. LOL JK!" ~ the cat
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
What if 11:11 actually works but there`s one person in this world that`s wishing for everyone`s wishes to not come true?
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.