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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.