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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.