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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...