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Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.