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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever