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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I hate when I`m wearing my apple bottoms jeans and I can`t find boots with the fur.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.