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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.