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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.