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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.