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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?