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Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.