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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
You know it`s time to clean your screen when you start confusing dirt with punctuation.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...