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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.