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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.