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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally