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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.